im in a coffee shop and im doing this instead of writing in my journal

tuesday, 1 mar 2022, 12:28

wall table @ intelligensia coffee in silverlake

today is another round of practice of reminding myself that i do not need social media at all. like if it disappeared tomorrow id probably be better for it tbh. hell, maybe this is the beginning of me not using it anymore 🤷🏼‍♀️ that would be cool.

im jamming out to the song that i wrote the other day on that youtube stream. last night i took it to the next level and basically fully produced the whole thing out. its kinda sounding like michelle branch, avril lavigne (2002), and like idk maybe maxwell young all made a song together. i love it. its clear that this is my pocket tbh. im so grateful for the things im making. they bring me such joy its ridiculous.

this is the scary thing tho: i know that i will be a genuinely more happy person if i just never concern myself with numbers and metrics and just make things for myself, but there is a concern that nobody will ever hear my work if i do that. that is a cool concept tho, what if i truly made shit for myself. like truly truly. what happens if i fully let the market "organically" show my tunes to people.

hell its so odd, i just posted a song on twitter. and im genuinely excited about this song its by torr and i am listening to it on my guesstlist playlist.

there is something so powerful about being excited about other peoples work that you kind of forget to be poisoned by social media. i think thats what bothers me about it tho is that i want other people to want to share my shit too but i straight up cannot control them to do so. i think in a lot of ways if i were to fully disconnect from social media i may better be able to learn how other peoples opinion of my art has no bearing on how its actually recieved.

that being said, i feel like my relationship to twitter is like *ALMOST* healthy. the biggest issue i have with twitter is that once i post i REALLY want to know if people have liked it or commented on it. i crave community everywhere and i think the dangerous thing about social media is that it pretends it can be community anywhere all the time

just finished listening to this song by Phoenixx James

i got asked to stage manage a show at catch one and she played. phenomenal talent tbh, really excited to watch her grow as an artist. super fucking young too which always makes me feel a little bit like im failing at life but then i remember that we are capitalistically guilt tripped into romanticizing youth lol.

fuck i just remembered i have to submit my w9 for that gig.

i posted about my guesstlist playlist and tagged qwaston in it. it was really cool because they were excited to be included in a playlist that wasnt dubstep. it reminded me that its super cool to be a curator. its cool to plaster your taste in the worlds treasures onto the canvas of reality. if you ever read this qwaston, just know that interaction was impactful for me even tho it was only a tweet lol.

rly happy to appear on this kinda playlist :o

— qwaston (@qwaston00) February 28, 2022

i just looked at my arm and i have a fucking tattoo of a usb symbol lmfao im the coolest.

to sum up, YOUTUBE i wanna put my energy into a platform that gives back. youtube feels like that platform. hell i found the artist im listening to rn on youtube.

also wth im so dope im literally hardcoding an html website in a silverlake coffee shop and im learning ads and i work for a music distribution company and goddamn you gotta romanticize yourself cause if u let the internet tell you what cool looks like you will always feel like shit. ok i hope this doesnt come off braggy but actually the fact that i even wrote that indicates im thinking about what other people think so fuck that i just wrote that and actually not fuck that but more like i accept myself fully including the part of me that is debilitatingly attached to other peoples opinions of me and actually i am free to become my own person and i am happy and grateful to be the person i am and black tea is good especially with vanilla and oat milk okay im gone now bye.