it's midnight in brooklyn and i have no idea what im doing.

hello internet, its been a while.

i am feeling an enourmous amount of pressure from myself to do this. to post. to be a creative. to "do something with my life." i know that i feel better when i spend every day doing the things that i love, but why do i often start to dread the things i love?

i was hanging out with alter. a while back, and he said that pressure kills the beauty in things. i find this to be true with my art and with all the things i make. but i have a problem: i delay!! i am so so good at just hiding away in a YouTube hole or an online shopping specifications hunt or a life optimization planning spiral.

all i want to do is feel well, but i feel like i can't feel well unless i make things. once i start to make things, i feel like i miss out on so much the world has to offer by spending so much time making things.

this is the part of the show where my brain tries to efficiency my way out of this problem...

"well i just need to get up earlier"

"lets try a different approach on the reminders app"

"what if we reschedule the timing of your tabulation"

im tired. i want to go to bed, but there are five things on my daily to do list that i haven't done, three of them haven't been done in multiple days.

im not gonna lie dude a lot of the time i dont even really think i know who i am.

im glad i did this, if just to do it. checked off code on my todo list.