here is where i am at rn.

monday, aug 16 2021, 15:54

my desk @ dtla apartment

i think the strangest thing about where im at right now is just realizing that i want to hide my queerness from everyone except queer people.

to most strangers, i just cannot be fucked to explain myself. and this is a learned behavior i acquired from having to do it fucking constantly. every beach hang out, every party, every single social interaction with friends of friends or strangers.

discussing queerness with queer people is liberating and validating, and with strangers and non-queer people its exhausting and taxing.

so here i am, hiding behind big tshirts and cargo pants, becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the ever visible feminine aspects of myself -- not because i am ashamed of them (quite the opposite), but rather because im afraid of having to spend more and more energy towards validating my existence as a non-cis person instead of just getting to be a person

also, i fucking like big t shirts and cargo pants, but i hate feeling like i am wearing them because it makes me more accessibly visibly cis for trips to the grocery store / park / etc.

anyway, this one is weird but i feel like it should exist on the internet somewhere. hopefully it doesn't bite me in the ass or something.