letting go seems impossible and this is not news

thursday, 6 may 2021, 18:44

waiting room @ urgent care little tokyo

its been a fucking weird day. i woke up and accidentally stumbled across a picture of a person i miss very much, which kind of sent me into a bit of a spiral im not gonna lie.

i had a doctors appointment i had to get to so i packed up my water bottle and a notebook and headed to the park to try to relax before heading in. i started writing; mostly just to get my thoughts out of my head and somewhere tangible. i have been really struggling lately with the paradox of choice we are all faced with as adults. it seems that we are now fully trusted to make whatever decisions we need to make in any given moment, which is great, except…

what if i have no idea what the right decision is???!!

faced with the realization that i am an adult, i am again reminded that no adult i have ever interacted with has ever had the answers to the questions we really want to know the answers to:

how do i let go of people that are no longer in my life?

how do i love myself?

how do i know if my decisions are in my best interests or simply self serving?

friday, 7 may 2021, 12:04

couch @ dtla apartment

i spent a lot of yesterday crying in the park. i spent a lot of today crying in the park. and on my walk home. and on my roommates bed when i got home.

its kind of funny, it seems you can be so good for so long only to stumble onto a tiny memory that can just send you spiraling about every choice you have ever made.

i am incredibly grateful for my life here in la. i am incredibly grateful for my friends who keep me up and keep me going. but i wont lie, a lot of days i wonder if i left behind the greatest community i have ever known to pursue something that will not bring me near as much joy as it had promised in all my imaginations of the future.

i am cynical lately — i feel at times like no matter how much i focus on giving to others without expectation, i will never be able to escape the understanding that what we often love in others is the way they make us feel, and not that we love them as themselves. i want to believe that i may someday be able to be truly selfless for the people that i love, but i am concerned i may always selfishly crave validation / comfort / confidence in my loved ones. i suppose i just hope i can be beneficial enough to those around me that they wont be bothered by my occasional neediness. that seems to be working out okay so far. obviously i am also working on being more self sufficient but damn this shit is lonely.

to be honest i think i might just be spiraling. i don’t think i’ll share this link on socials. but do anyone who finds it, i hope it brings you some commraderie in knowing that everyone goes through this bullshit. none of us are immune to the pain of leaving someone behind in the hopes that we may become better versions of ourselves.

i just derailed a meeting with my supervisor to ask him about how he has dealt with moving on from relationships. its comforting knowing that all of my friends across a variety of age groups have the same non-answer about this — time. there is no solution that can dissolve a deep and beautiful connection forged over years; there is only time. the most difficult part of this for me is trying to figure out how not to waste time. learning when to allow myself to feel and learning when its time to just stand up and fucking distract myself.

i have reread this and tbh im not sure its even particularly intelligible, but im gonna go post it. hopefully its good for something in the future.

i was listening to some of my coworkers amazing music while writing this. thank you for writing such evocative and beautiful music. it set the mood in an undeniable way while i was writing this out. y'all are super fukcing rad. :)

okay

bye for now