i sat under a tree and watched youtube videos about apple inc while thinking about self promotion

saturday, 8 may 2021, 12:50

standing in vista hermosa park

i want to be known. i want to be known for my creations. i recognize that this desire is entrenched in vanity, but i cannot seem to help but feel a twinge of frustration at myself that i am not more notable than i am at this time. i see kennyhoopla videos and i just wanna be like him. i hear rebecca black songs that weaponize pop as it was once weaponized against her and i just think these people are so fucking cool and inspiring. i want to be that person for other people, but i seem unwilling to allow myself to be without the views and the excitement that these people seem to garner around themselves.

Alter. has said to me many times “if you build it, they will come.”

i love this concept. it reminds me that all we need to do to be exceptional is be ourselves. i guess in that it terrifies me that i dont often want to make things. in fact i feel quite content much of the time to just watch the same tv show over and over ago cause it makes me happy (shoutout avatar the last airbender). i think the thing that i have loved so much about this website thing so far is that in a lot of ways its free from analysis. i dont get likes or views or even comments or feedback unless someone has my number and wants to hit me up about how it inspired them (shoutout Daym). but in the same thread, its anyonymity leaves me with a certain sense of “what the fuck am i doing spending so much time on this? no one will see it. my effort will be wasted.”

i don’t know. super weird that i have to be observed in order for my efforts to have been worth something.

im hella hungry. check back later. maybe.

saturday, 8 may 2021, 12:50

tv couch @ dtla apartment sitting next to gav

i got home and ate a fuckton of watermelon while watching avatar the last airbender.

i kind of laugh at myself whenever i write these thinking to myself “why the fuck would anyone read this” and then i remember “they wouldnt. this is for me. i love finding pieces of my mind from a different time period.”

while i was walking home i was thinking a lot about this blog / just art in general and how so many of us are seeking audiences for the things we make. I was talking to Alter. recently (the dude has really great advice, so he’s gonna be mentioned a lot here lol), and he is convinced that good content going unpromoted will still find its audience. all it takes is a spark.

i love this because it reminds me to take myself less seriously. to remember that people are inherently fascinating and beautiful and that trying to “rise” to some ever furthering “top” will likely leave me unsatisfied. this is not to discredit the crucial role advertising plays and has played in exposing me to some of my favorite art, but rather to remind me that it is not simply the advertising that makes something great. oh and also that i dont need to worry about the advertising because some one else out there has a mind for it that wants to help me. all i need to do is keep being the best version of myself so that one day we can meet and make shit catch fire.

and just to add an example here for the sake of proving my point deeply in my head with the futile intention that i will need not remind myself of this time and time again ad infinitum:

wilson, you discovered avatar the last airbender — the best show of all time — because nick and quinn showed it to you in your basement room on your computer when you were 14. you then went the next 6 days consuming hours on hours of this show until you had reached its completion. you have watched, contemplated, and raved about this show for countless hours with friends and strangers since then. this show and its successor, legend of korra, have been INDISPENSABLE in your notions of identity, self worth, and morals. it also was the catalyst for a very important and beautiful friendship you had with hose member sierra. so remember that the next time you think advertising is the only way to get your art into the hands of someone for whom it may change their life.

ok, so how does this practically translate?

well, for starters, i think i am probably going to move up to a two week release schedule. just get all this shit in my backlog out so i can finally have some peace in knowing that i can release things when they have been completed. with the likely notable exception of my album. i think i want that to sit in the editorial submissions queue for a whole month. hopefully someone finds it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

okay, a couple more things before i sign off:

look at this picture of peyton from yesterday. we went and got burgers because neither of us had eaten all day. #early20s?

after burgers, we went to target because target is god. i dropped my salsa in the isle and spilled. it was mildly embarrasing, but i bought the salsa and we left. on the way out i was like yooooo take a picture of my by this "guest" sign so i can turn it into a "guesst" sign and it'll be cool. peyton being the dope friend she is, took the photo and here it is in all its edited glory:

okay and lastly, Barren Gates and i are releasing a new tune together soon which im hyped about. its very linkin parky imo. here's a sneak peak at what might end up being the album cover if Barren ends up liking it.

EDIT: while writing this i heard back from him and this will in fact, not be the album artwork for the single lol. but u get to see it anyway! yay for artistic process!

songs i was listening to while writing this that stand out: